UK Sport

What has most changed about Owen Hargreaves since he moved from Bayern Munich to the English Premier League?

The curly mop is still in place and he’s commonly referred to as that most dangerous of beasts, the intelligent/articulate footballer. But, he’s angry as hell - perhaps being comprehensively b*ll*cked by Rio Ferdinand after daring to lie stricken on the floor after being struck in the ahems in the Chelsea Premier League match didn’t help his even keel.

The Old Trafford temper mill continues to work its magic, and Sir Alex Ferguson and his assistant Carlos Queiroz are prepared to go back through the ages to take the fight to Real Madrid. 

Cristiano Ronaldo is the cause of all this fuss. Poor Cristiano, whose inability to make up his mind might account for the usual appearance of multiple ladies of the late afternoon and evening in the occasional vicegirl/orgy stories with which he so enlivens the British press.

But Sir Alex and Carlos Queiroz are not feeling this joy. Oh no. And, the pair of them have been trawling the history books searching for the “Real Madrid - international bastards” chapter.

Sir Alex was first, alighting on the Spanish Civil War and the Madrid club’s status as ‘Franco’s Team’.

Sir Alex said: “The simple fact of the matter is Ronaldo has got another four years left on his contract and Calderón makes the great statement, ’slavery was abolished many, many years ago’. Did they tell Franco that?” 

Crikey! The Scot, a socialist (although this doesn’t stop him talking to Rupert Murdoch’s Sky while refusing to speak to the BBC, the world’s most famous publicly-funded broadcaster), went on to praise the morality of Real’s hated rivals Barcelona.

Not to be outdone, Portuguese assistant Carlos Queiroz has used local knowledge to the full to turn the Real V United spat into a full on international Iberian peninsular incident. Well done Carlos.   

Comparing his wing wizard to a disputed border town, Queiroz said: “Cristiano Ronaldo will never be Spanish, as they will never take Olivenca again.”

Christopher Columbus too. The Italian-born ocean crosser is claimed by Portugal and Spain, Carlos, it seems is firmly on the side of his home nation in this dispute, saying: ”They already did the same with Christopher Columbus, and it now seems they want to naturalise Cristiano Ronaldo. Have they already forgotten what we did to them in the past?”

Crikey again! What have Portugal done to Spain in the past and will the people of that fine nation, with their lovely red and green colours, be prepared to take to arms under the dancing Satan of United’s war banner?

Well, according to Wikipedia, Spain and Portugal have fought nine wars, but not since the early 19th Century have they come to blows. Olivenca’s tale is long, complicated and of interest only to scholars of treaty law in the view of UK Sports.

Let Ronaldo not be the cause of more bloodshed between these two nations.

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